How to Stop Re-Creating Your Past and Finally Break Free

Have you ever wondered why no matter what you do differently you always seem to end up in the same place? 

Whether you switch jobs or move to a new city you seem to find yourself in similar situations surrounded by similar people.

No matter how many times you switch partners you always end up having the same fights? You set the same goals, then break them again and again?  You don’t do this because you are masochistic or don’t truly desire change. What most people don’t realize is that they generally create their life by recreating the past over and over again because the brain works on the principle of anticipation.¹

So how do you begin? Below are 3 simple but significant steps that will help you start the change process.

1. The first step is noticing that you are expecting something negative or unwanted to occur. The way you do that is by noticing your emotions. If you are expecting something positive you will be feeing good about it, but if you are expecting something unwanted then it will be marked by a negative emotion such as anxiety, fear, dread, or hopelessness.

2. Once you notice that what you are expecting isn’t something you actually want to occur, ask yourself this very simple question: What do I want instead?  This question helps you identify a different outcome to work towards.  Perhaps in the above example, you would rather have an enjoyable time at the party than go there and have another bad social encounter.

3. Once you have identified what you want instead, ask yourself another important question, which is: How do I make that happen? As soon as you do this you have now engaged the problem solving part of the brain known as the executive network that can help you come up with ideas and solutions that otherwise may have never occurred to you.  Perhaps you could have let your friend know ahead of time that you were feeling awkward and ask her to make some introductions, or maybe you plan out a list of conversational topics in you head so you don’t get caught off guard feeling tongue tied when someone approaches you.

As you begin to come up with a plan for how to make a situation go the way you want, what you anticipate or expect from that situation starts to change.  If your expectations change so will your behavior.  Any successful action you take starts to change your self-concept and more deeply held beliefs about what you can do in life. While there is a good deal more to learn on the subject of changing your expectations, if you begin with this process, take small steps, and make gradual changes, breaking out of the trap of recreating the past is possible with willingness and consistent effort.