Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Nine Ways to Handle Nosy People

1. Be aware of the cues that signal nosiness ahead. If you fear that the person you end up sitting next to in a bus, airplane, or waiting room is going to start prying, arrange the situation so that you don’t have to get dragged further into conversation. This can mean pulling out something to read or starting to fiddle with your phone. Or if that doesn’t work, answer a few questions politely and then shift your attentional focus elsewhere.

2. Tell the truth. As I pointed out earlier, once you start to lie you may find yourself inextricably bound to facts that later conversations can’t support. You don’t have to give all the facts, but the ones you relate should be fact not fiction.

3. Decide what makes the question “nosy.” It’s possible the questioner has no ill will in mind but is just asking an ordinary question. You, on the other hand, may feel it’s nosy because it bumps up against a fact in your life that you’re sensitive to (such as the matter of your high school education). If it’s truly an issue of sensitivity, the fact that you feel invaded may help you understand some of your own personal insecurities and concerns.

4. Keep the notion of inclusive fitness in mind. If it’s true that the survival of our families are foremost in our mind, it’s possible that relatives may ask you questions not because they care about you but because they care about themselves. The search for information on your likelihood of having children may simply fit into this evolutionary framework and not be one that reflects any of your own shortcomings.

5. Practice a socially acceptable way to respond to common questions. If you keep getting the same questions over and over again, such as having to explain why you and the rest of your family have different last names, figure out an answer that you can use without feeling that you need to explain anything about your relationship past.

6. Use deflection. Rather than deception, use deflection to change the subject when things get too personal. The questioner may not be happy about this, but if you feel that someone is treading too much on your personal turf, pull out and shift the focus. If you’re at a social gathering, you can always find a way to move on to someone else (“I need to refill my plate”) or engage someone nearby in conversation and then quietly disappear.

7. State your discomfort. It may not seem socially acceptable to let someone know you’re feeling invaded but, by making your desires known to the other person, you’re actually doing both of you a favor.  Because people don’t always realize that an “innocent” question actually is too personal, most will respect your desire for distance and appreciate your honesty in communicating this.

8. Realize that some people are “compulsive communicators.” There are some individuals who just can’t stop talking. As described in a 2015 paper by Oakland University’s Robert Sidelinger and Angelo State’s Derek Bolen, it’s not only that some students can’t stop talking in class, but that some instructors don’t know when to give those students a chance to participate. Some of those hair stylists and dental assistants ask question after question about their clients or patients because they don’t know any other way to interact. There’s no reason you have to be forced to listen to their patter, especially when it becomes burdensome to you. Through your nonverbal cues, you can let them know that you’d prefer a little peace and quiet.

9. Don’t be too nosy yourself. We more easily recognize the failings of others than we are able to see the same ones in ourselves. It’s possible that your conversation partner is simply reciprocating to the cues you’ve provided by your own questions. Stop and ask yourself whether you’ve pried a little bit too much in the past, and if so, by dialing it down at your end you’ll help maintain conversational boundaries.

Nosy people are a definite nuisance in life, but with these nine tips, you’ll be able to minimize the intrusive damage they can inflict. You can also learn from the facts in your own life that you prefer to hide both to others, and perhaps even yourself.

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