1. Be aware of the cues that signal nosiness ahead. If you fear
that the person you end up sitting next to in a bus, airplane, or
waiting room is going to start prying, arrange the situation so that you
don’t have to get dragged further into conversation. This can mean
pulling out something to read or starting to fiddle with your phone. Or
if that doesn’t work, answer a few questions politely and then shift
your attentional focus elsewhere.
2. Tell the truth. As I pointed out earlier, once
you start to lie you may find yourself inextricably bound to facts that
later conversations can’t support. You don’t have to give all the facts,
but the ones you relate should be fact not fiction.
3. Decide what makes the question “nosy.” It’s
possible the questioner has no ill will in mind but is just asking an
ordinary question. You, on the other hand, may feel it’s nosy because it
bumps up against a fact in your life that you’re sensitive to (such as
the matter of your high school education).
If it’s truly an issue of sensitivity, the fact that you feel invaded
may help you understand some of your own personal insecurities and
concerns.
4. Keep the notion of inclusive fitness in mind. If
it’s true that the survival of our families are foremost in our mind,
it’s possible that relatives may ask you questions not because they care
about you but because they care about themselves. The search for
information on your likelihood of having children may simply fit into
this evolutionary framework and not be one that reflects any of your own
shortcomings.
5. Practice a socially acceptable way to respond to common questions.
If you keep getting the same questions over and over again, such as
having to explain why you and the rest of your family have different
last names, figure out an answer that you can use without feeling that
you need to explain anything about your relationship past.
6. Use deflection. Rather than deception,
use deflection to change the subject when things get too personal. The
questioner may not be happy about this, but if you feel that someone is
treading too much on your personal turf, pull out and shift the focus.
If you’re at a social gathering, you can always find a way to move on to
someone else (“I need to refill my plate”) or engage someone nearby in
conversation and then quietly disappear.
7. State your discomfort. It may not seem socially
acceptable to let someone know you’re feeling invaded but, by making
your desires known to the other person, you’re actually doing both of
you a favor. Because people don’t always realize that an “innocent”
question actually is too personal, most will respect your desire for
distance and appreciate your honesty in communicating this.
8. Realize that some people are “compulsive communicators.”
There are some individuals who just can’t stop talking. As described in
a 2015 paper by Oakland University’s Robert Sidelinger and Angelo
State’s Derek Bolen, it’s not only that some students can’t stop talking
in class, but that some instructors don’t know when to give those
students a chance to participate. Some of those hair stylists and dental
assistants ask question after question about their clients or patients
because they don’t know any other way to interact. There’s no reason you
have to be forced to listen to their patter, especially when it becomes
burdensome to you. Through your nonverbal cues, you can let them know
that you’d prefer a little peace and quiet.
9. Don’t be too nosy yourself. We more easily
recognize the failings of others than we are able to see the same
ones in ourselves. It’s possible that your conversation partner is
simply reciprocating to the cues you’ve provided by your own questions.
Stop and ask yourself whether you’ve pried a little bit too much in the
past, and if so, by dialing it down at your end you’ll help maintain
conversational boundaries.
Nosy people are a definite nuisance in life, but with these nine
tips, you’ll be able to minimize the intrusive damage they can inflict.
You can also learn from the facts in your own life that you prefer to
hide both to others, and perhaps even yourself.
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