“Self-talk” is the psychology term for the inner conversation that streams constantly through a person’s mind. Self-talk is something we all do. In fact, some people believe that “thinking” is really the same thing as “self-talk.”
Many voices contribute to your inner conversation. When I say “voices,” I am NOT referring to a mental disorder but simply to the various sides of a person’s personality. In five seconds, you might hear from these different “sides” of yourself: “Worried about my son.” “I wonder what I’ll do about dinner.” “Hate my hair.” And so on.
Sometimes a negative voice takes over, pelting you with discouraging and hateful messages about who you are, what you’ve done, and your bleak prospects for the future. When this destructive voice takes control, you may feel a lack of self-esteem, a sense of worthlessness, or even depression. (If this voice is too strong or takes over too much, please see a therapist.)
I find it helpful to think of your positive inner voice as a chorus of many voices. For the purpose of recognizing and strengthening that chorus, I’m going to separate out five of these voices so we can listen more closely to them. They are different, but all are helpful, supportive, and/or loving. You can strengthen these positive voices with practice.
Here's how each of these five positive voices can help you and what to do to make each voice stronger.
Voice 1: The Rational Voice
Your Rational Voice is like a life coach—realistic, encouraging, and even a little hard-nosed when necessary, much like the voice of your honest best friend. As the voice of reason, it helps you challenge any harmful, unrealistic, or self-defeating thoughts you may be telling yourself. Certain forms of therapy—cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), for example—focus specifically on fortifying this voice.
How does it work? Think of the phrase, “Catch it, challenge it, change it.” Catch it means noticing the negative self-talk that’s making you miserable. For example, you might catch this belief rolling around in your mind: “Because s/he broke up with me, I’ll never find anyone who will love me.” Challenge it means asking yourself to assess the truth of that belief: “How do you know that? Maybe s/he just wasn’t ready for a relationship.” Change it means to deliberately shift your self-defeating self-talk into more encouraging self-talk: “It can take a while to find a romantic relationship that works for both people. But whatever happens, you can cope and be happy.”
How to strengthen this voice: Practice the “Catch it, challenge it, change it” technique. To better "catch" your self-defeating and irrational thoughts, read this blog, “50 common cognitive distortions,” by Dr. Alice Boyes. There are many excellent books and workbooks that use CBT as a springboard. Readers, feel free to recommend your favorites in "Comments."
Voice 2: The Kind Voice
Your Rational Voice can challenge self-defeating thoughts like a wily lawyer. But logic has its limits. Sometimes you just need to acknowledge the emotions you are feeling and validate them. Here’s where your Kind Voice comes in. Your Kind Voice will affirm that you feel sad or angry or frustrated and understand your feelings without judging you. Your Kind Voice can turn down the volume on your inner critic. It might tell you, for example, that someone’s cruel comment—including your own—does not reflect who you are. It can help you be kinder and less judgmental of others. It can tell you, “You don’t have to be perfect.” Self-compassion can dissolve negative thinking in a warm bath of self-acceptance.
How to strengthen this voice: The book, Self-Compassion, by Kristin Neff, is filled with mantras, long and short, that can help you when you are experiencing a time of suffering. My favorite: “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.” For other quick sayings that will encourage self-talk that is kind and soothing, see this blog (link is external) by PT blogger Toni Bernhard. Choose a mantra or saying you like and memorize it!
Voice 3: The Values Voice
Your Values Voice is the still, small voice of conscience. It also reminds you of your core values and goals—such as family, health, helping others, making that video, writing that book, or starting that business. Keeping your values and goals in mind can activate your sense of purpose and boost your motivation to plug away at long-term goals, whatever the obstacles.
Recent studies have confirmed the power of remembering personal values. For example, one study showed that reflecting on their core values helped people become more open-minded to health advice. Another study revealed that people who wrote stories about their core values performed better under stress. Many studies back up the idea that people who are reminded of important values have better self-control and will persist longer on frustrating tasks.
To strengthen this voice: Remind yourself of three values or goals that are essential to your best self. Make 3x5 cards of your most significant motivators and place them strategically around the house. Put reminders of those motivators at the top of your to-do list. Try the 5-minute exercise in this blog, where you'll also find the research mentioned above.
Voice 4: The Motivator
The voice of your inner Motivator helps you fulfil your goals and values by giving you specific self-instructions and plans like, "Work on that report for 30 minutes, then check your email."
These self-instructions are a great way to cultivate willpower. For example, your Motivator could coax you into persisting by suggesting, "Just hang in there with your task for 5 more minutes, then stop if you want to." Someone who wants to abstain from alcohol could use "if/then" self-talk, like this: “If someone offers me a drink, then I will ask for an iced tea.” Psychologist Walter Mischel, famous for his “marshmallow studies,” helped small children cultivate willpower by teaching them to tell themselves, “I’m going to keep working now so I can play with the fun toys later.”
The Motivator also encourages you by giving you compliments. "Good job on handling that sticky situation," it might murmur.
To strengthen this voice: An easy way to amp up this voice is to give yourself at least one genuine compliment per day. Another strategy: Try giving yourself self-instructions as you drive to work or approach your day: “First thing I’ll do when I go in is…after that I’ll...".
Voice 5: The Emotions Expert
Your Emotions Expert is the voice of emotional intelligence. This voice can help you sense, name, and cope with your feelings, amplifying them or cooling them down, depending on what is necessary. In other words, self-talk from this voice can help you with emotional regulation. Your inner Emotions Expert can also help you develop strategies for either expressing those emotions in constructive ways or just becoming aware of them. To calm distressing emotions one notch or two, just labeling them with a word will often do the trick, as described more fully in this blog.
To strengthen this voice: As you go through your day, take a few moments just to label what you are feeling or experiencing. Your self-talk could sound like this: “Sad.” “Curious.” “Angry.” “Tired.” Decide if you want to do something about any of those feelings. For example, “tired” could be the signal to take a break. “Angry” could be the signal to talk strategy with a valued colleague.
Where to Start?
There's a lot of mental activity that you might not be able to control, but you CAN strengthen your positive self-talk. The first step is making the decision (see this blog) to use one of these helpful voices when you need it. Choose a voice you'd like to hear more from, then choose one strategy to practice.
When you strengthen the positive voices within you, you may notice that your emotions change along with them. You begin to feel more hopeful. You begin to feel more determined. You notice that you treat yourself with kindness more often. These feelings are a sign that you have done some good work on yourself. Your mind has changed your brain! Odd as that may sound, it’s true.
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